Advice to New Mothers (Sarcasm Ahead)
New mothers; they wear sleep deprivation and unwashed hair like badges of honor. They are excited when their little bundle of joy has six wet diapers a day, and smiles at them. Remember these days Veteran Moms?
I think it's time to share the advice I wish someone had given me before becoming a Mother. (Or shortly thereafter.) I hope this is helpful to some and that others will not look back in retrospect with regret. Trust me, these tips can apply to grandchildren, or neighborhood kids as well. If there is something I missed, feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments.
1. Don't Get Comfortable Sitting. As every Veteran Mom knows, the minute you sit after a flurry of work which little eyes have taken in, someone will need something. I, therefore, recommend you master the elusive "counter lean" or the non-committal "wall slouch". Both of these are effective because they offer the benefit of semi-relaxation while keeping you upright. This will confuse your family, as they can only ask for things once you're sitting. You master these, and you're golden.
2. Learn to Fly Under the Radar. Few Moms know their children are born with a freaky sixth sense. They can calculate, to within a few nanoseconds, when their Mother wakes up. It is especially sensitive when you want to read your Bible or exercise. I have developed what I consider a fulll-proof plan. First, sleep on a cement floor without any blankets. This ensures no one will be tipped off by creaking or rustling. Secondly, as much as you may think it necessary, there can be absolutely no breathing. And for heaven's sake, don't even think about flushing the toilet.
3. Electrify Your Bathroom Door. If you're the kind of Mother who likes an uninterrupted shower, this little gem may come in handy. Have the navy seals come and install a special sensor. After you lock the door of your bathroom, it's automatically activated. Now anyone who touches it from the other side will receive a fairly sizable shock. You may also wish to have them install a decibel recognition system to prevent the children yelling to you from the other room.
4. Boiling Water is Your Friend. When your child asks to help you cook, say "Sure!" with confidence. Whip out a pot, fill halfway with water and set on a burner over high heat. (Even if you don't actually plan to use it for cooking.) Ask the child to let you know the minute it starts to boil. Set the child on the counter so it can't get away, then tend to the real cooking duties. The child may get bored and lose their desire to help rather quickly, which is exactly what you want.
5. Don't Teach Them To Speak English. Use the TV as a babysitter often. In fact, don't even speak directly to your child. Ever. Just make sure you sit them in front of foreign language programming. Preferably a language that you don't speak, such as Russian or Farsi. Or that clicking African language. Yes, the satellite dish is a bit of an investment, but with all the money you save by not owning a real bed or having to wash sheets, you can afford it. Think of it as early missionary training for them.
6. Have A Wax Replica of Yourself Made. This way you can take naps or read for extended periods of time under the radar. Make sure the wax figure is pose-able, and can execute the "counter lean" or "wall slouch" effectively. The last thing you need is for 'you' to fall over and have the neighbors hear your child yelling like a crazed maniac in some foreign language because 'Mom' fell over and is unresponsive. Let me also recommend having a voice recording installed that activates on 'unexpected fall'. It should be recorded in your child's chosen language, sound like a hyped-up aerobics instructor, and only ask: "Ok! Who wants to help boil water?!?" Your child should respond by staying quiet and slowly backing away. They may even retreat to a hide-out under their bed. This is good: you can then stash the wax figure away without their knowledge.
7. Employ A Foreign Spy Temporarily. Look on the web and find a foreign spy employment agency. It shouldn't be too hard. Hire one that speaks your child's language, and instruct them to covertly warn your child that 'they' are watching him/her, and if they want to have a positive future in the government of said country, the child cannot allow even a speck of dirt to infiltrate the house. Let them know in no uncertain terms that it is their duty to their countrymen to keep the house clean. Your house will remain spotless with no effort from you. This is especially effective if Russian is your child's language.
Feel free to pass these tips onto any new Mother you know. They will be sure to thank you.
"Things My Mom Taught Me"
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other,
do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM.
"I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too!
My Mom taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My Mom taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS.
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about WEATHER.
"It looks like a tornado swept
through your room!"